A LETTER TO YOU- #WSPD2021

Here comes another impromptu post (haha), so please do forgive me if ideas are not in chronological order. I am literally writing from the top of my head.

Before i do that, let me first check in! Hey :) I really hope you are doing relatively "okay" in these times.

DISCLAIMER/ TRIGGER WARNING!!! Content may include : depression, anxiety, suicide etc. Also, i am not a therapist/psychologist, so yeah.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day (recognised on the 10th of September every year)

What a trigger of a day for me, honestly. This morning i woke up in a fairly good mood (take that with a grain of salt), then i remembered what day it is- that did not ruin my mood btw. It is only after i had tweeted something about #WSPD that my mood somehow changed. It did not take me a long time to realise that i had created a trigger for myself. I spent about 3 hours being in a completely 'numb' place. I have Uni work waiting for me and i almost said "f- it, let me just go to sleep and spend this whole day in my room alone."

I did not do that though, because i am learning on how to prevent myself from letting conversations like these get to me. I have to admit, i am stubborn and adamant. That is why i decided to get up, grab my laptop and start typing. I really do believe that writing out my feelings and thoughts prevent them from occupying my brain.

I am writing this post for anyone who is feeling like me right now, i am writing this post for anyone who feels like everything is not going to be okay, i am writing this post for someone who feels like whatever they do is not enough, i am writing this post to someone who has just pulled themselves out of a dark space, i am writing this post for someone who is currently in that dark space. I want you to remember that you have survived 100% of your worst days.

I do not want this post to radiate toxic positivity, no, but i do want you to know that somehow everything will work out someday.

I do not know who will see this post, but i am hoping that it reaches someone who needs to hear this.

I am not sitting here sucking these emotions from my thumbs, i really do know what it feels like to suffer from anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts( at this point i am not comfortable enough to share my journey)

I want you to know that you are seen and heard by me, i want you to know that you are loved by me.

I admit there are days where i see no 'light at the end of the tunnel'. I battle my own mind to stay alive. I do not stay alive for my family, my friends or my neighbour's cat- i fight to stay alive for myself. I know that this is an adversity that requires me to FIGHT and that girl depression has hands but so do i (lmao, that sounded funnier in my head). SO I FIGHT!

So to whoever you are, i hope you start being honest with yourself. I hope you look at yourself and confront all that you have decided to compact- be it trauma, past experiences etc. I want you to know that it is OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY, that is alright, love. But FIGHT for YOURSELF, you owe yourself so so much.

You know I used to be sooo ashamed to speak out about my mental health, i hid it from my friends even. I am not saying that i am now an advocate for all things mental health but i do try my best to gather the strength to vocalise myself. I hope you gather some strength from this post too, and if you don't that is absolutely okay. It does not make you any weaker- i will speak for all of US. My voice is OUR voice.

Oh and a reminder, i hope you realise that you are quite LITERALLY a star for still being here whilst fighting your silent demons;)

idk how to end this post but i hope in all the mess i have written above, you are able to find some solace in it. I hope you continue being kind to yourself (please) and that you find ways to channel your emotions. Mental Health is NOT a linear process, so if you relapse do not beat yourself up for it. If you are able to confide in anyone, please do that. I will also provide the contact dets for the South African Depression and Anxiety Group below.

Oh yeah before i go, i just want to say I love you <3 and in K Dot's words

If [God] got us then we gon' be alright

NB: If you have a friend, partner, relative, mutual that suffers from mental health please educate yourself about what they are going through. It is already tough on them, so be patient. We are not seeking attention when we post or say how we feel, sometimes it's the only way to deal with our internal conflict. Having mental health issues is not a choice, it is not 'better' than any other sickness. At the end of the day it is still a health issue. And lastly, let us just be kind, just be kind. Let us not shame people for it.

Don't forget to share this post with someone whom you think needs to see it!

SOUTH AFRICAN DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY GROUP:

24 Hour Helpline: 0800 456 789

Suicidal Emergency contact: 0800 567 567

Whatsapp: 076 882 2775

xxx